the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
