So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
