Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Im part way to drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
