Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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