you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
