I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i have herpe
just one?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
