i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
