I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
