New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
