Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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