there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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