Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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