i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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