We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
