Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
