every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
