Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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