Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
