She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
