lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
