we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
