I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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