i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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