If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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