So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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