I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
