if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
