so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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