Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
