First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
