no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
