You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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