So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
