my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
