he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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