She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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