She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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