and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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