the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dick very happy bro
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
