they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
