I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
