he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
