You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
