My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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