she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
