Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
