i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
