Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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