you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
