Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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