We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
