Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
